It�s been quite sometime since I�ve updated here. A lot of things have happened. Events-wise, Class Chalet was last week on Monday and Tuesday, 26th to 27th November, while Grad Night was just yesterday, 5th Dec 2007, Wednesday. My mind has also gone through a lot of mess, and I think it�s time to voice out all that I have locked in me for weeks, months ; years maybe.

I must declare that I�m prone to being �emo�, and am susceptible to �drastic� mood swings. I�m one moment happy, next moment in slight depression. I�ve even, possibly, had suicidal thoughts once, no I�m not exaggerating anything, but I looked down at the ground, and though how painful it would�ve been if I did jump down, and how stupid that thought was. I later recovered from it.

And the cause of all of this is due to lonliness.I�ve yet to find a confidant, which by the way, is someone you can confide in all your thoughts, worries, secrets, etc, and hence the name 'confidant'. And this confidant will not jump to conclusions, will provide the emotional support needed, and in my opinion, only reveal the secrets to others if it is necessary for the benefit of the person confiding in him/her.

Thing is, I know all to well what hearing all these things do to one�s mind. Using myself as the test-subject, I find that people do forget that certain things are meant to be kept as secrets, some people are too oppressive of their opinions (hence they don�t make good confidants), people immediately think of their own opinions or something once you tell them your own piece of your mind(i.e. something you�ve been thinking about), etc� I don�t really know what�s the exact cause of all this, but after examining my own reactions and other people�s behaviour, I conclude that I do not dare make anyone my confidant, for though all my opinions are genuine, ok, I do make some jokes here and there but I�m not very good at it, there are some things that I�ve hidden from everyone I know, so well hidden that they think the otherwise, the other case that I�ve always wanted others, but more importantly, Myself, to believe, but it seems that I�ve been �lying� to myself, but nevermind about that. I do not want to burden anyone with all my pains. I�m quite bad at socializing and making friends, contrary to popular belief (I�m a person full of contrasts, eg, can be very noisy, or very quiet.) My mum noticed that when I was a young child,I had difficulty making friends, and the shy reserved attitude that I had then still resides in me somewhere and appears once in a while.

I think blogging will help me reach out to other people, hoping someone will hear me, and yet, at the same time, I want to keep this all a secret.

Now, onto describing the events that�ve passed.

Class Chalet was held at Aloha Loyang, Mrs Chan helped us to book the chalet. It had 4 bedrooms, all with attached bathrooms, and living room, bbq area at the �backyard� and next to the swimming bool. Quite a big chalet, at $200 only. Wow!

I brought my guitar, sleeping bag, laptop and a whole bunch of things, that I brought the most things�hahaa. The guitar and sleeping bag were bulky. It�s better to overpack than underpack. People had borrowed my waterbottle, comb, shampoo.

I took MRT there and on the crowded train, I saw my friend and her mother. I know I haven�t seen her mum in years, but I met my friend a few months ago. The 2 of them instantly recognized me, and I recognized them. I�m much taller than when her mum last saw me.

Met a bunch of people at the MRT station, saw Lynn�s new hair colour. Later saw HK's new colour. I was quite elated to see them all. These are my friends what. I had deliberately set the meeting time half an hour before the shuttle bus time as a buffer. In that spare time, some people went around inside White Sands. I remember now that I still owe YS money for EH�s present.

Took the shuttle bus to the place. I checked in a bit earlier than the stipulated check in time. Sorry to inconvenience and annoy the people there. I pushed for an earlier check-in time so that we would get more play time. Thanks Shean for carrying my guitar.

After checking in, free and easy. Some played Uno, I play guitar, but of course I didn�t dare sing out loud. It�s quite embarrassing. I�m quite shy and reserved and this still is found in me and apprears from time to time, which is why I don�t like to oppress most things on people. I think I said this earlier. I don�t like drawing attention to myself (thanks to the upbringing in an Asian society where you want to �save face�), though one of my superstar dreams (yes, doesn�t everyone have a dream of being a superstar something?) was to be a singer, have my own concert, sing beautifully and make beautiful music. Hahahaha!

Shean, YS and I went cycling after that. Pasir Ris park was small, We rented the bikes for 2 hours and managed to cycle the whole park in about 1 hour plus. We played at the adventure park, where I�ve always wanted to reach the top of the spider web. When I was a young child, I was scared of heights to the extent I wouldn�t go up very high on it. Now that I have longer limbs, it was easy going up to near the top (people were already there at the top). I think I saw my first intake classmate Ellen there.I don�t know if it was really her. The hair was permed, and after not seeing her for many months, I didn�t dare approach her, so that remains as another mystery of life, waiting to be solved.

So, I achieved one of my goals in life. One that I�ve yet to achieve is to cycle along ECP all the way till I can see the Changi airport tower.

We had a bbq that night, and some more of my classmates came over. Mrs Chan also came. I didn�t each much because during bbq I only eat chicken satay, chicken wing, bee hoon, sausage. Nothing spicy. I�m not that an adventurous eater. Also, the food is quite oily, but that�s bbq.

Elissa, SM and Gladys were happily being the cooks at the pit.

I saw, all my friends had their own friends, cliqued up chatting in some part of the place. I was on my own, and that oh-so-familiar lonely feeling. So I took my guitar, retreated upstairs and went to play guitar. By doing something, I feel less lonely.

Later, some of us huddled round the TV to watch Heros. HK explained to me the powers of some of the characters and now I finally understand what had been happening in the earlier episodes. Ah..

I showed to those present the video I had made for them this year. ( I showed to Shean earlier before she left.)

After seeing off some of the people, the rest of us, who were staying over, played games. We played Uno, Heart Attack. We taught Nayan, Zac, JY how to play heart attack. It was so fun! 11 of us played altogether. YS kneeled, I somewhat kneeled too so that it would be easier to reach out and put our hands near the bottom of the pile, and Nayan kept forgetting that you needed to put both hands in the pile. Haha! So fun the game!

A bunch of people were concurrently playing monopoly at the dining table. HK told me on the MRT ride back that they made up rules and bend the original rules, so it ended up that Jason owed a lot of money to Nithya, and he wasn�t the only one in debt to Nithya, and when it was their turn to pay rent, Nithya waivered the rent. Haha! Nithya obviously was in great surplus and won the game.

Jason had been away from the chalet for a long time, a few hours, and quite a number of us didn�t know where he was. He was out doing don�t know what, and had to walk back to the chalet from the MRT (a bit of a walk) because there was no more shuttle bus at that time!

After bathing, I made a cup of milo, and learned a bit more on how to play mahjong. YS and I played 3 rounds with JH and JY, I think three rounds, and we were not tired at all! We went to sleep at 4am I think. It was later than 3 am for sure. YS and I were the first to sleep. The others kept playing, and slept later though they didn�t want to because there was nothing else for them to do. I woke up at 7.30am and walked downstairs to find SY and JH awake, JY sleeping on 2 armchairs put together. The others were still sleeping. SM, Jason, Nayan, HR, Nithya, YS, I, HK, YH, SY, JH, JY, Zac, XL stayed over by the way. I found out later that HR, SM, Nithya, YH left early in the morning. I didn�t see them off. I went back up again and slept for a while more and I was shocked to find out I woke up again at 9.30am, half-an-hour before check-out time!

Everything worked out, and the shuttle bus driver kindly dropped us off at the public bus stop to take a bus back to MRT station though it wasn�t in his schedule.

At the MRT station, we bade farewell to Jason and Nayan, and Zac, JY, HK, JH, SY, YS and I had breakfast at McDonald�s. We sat outside with a few tables pulled together to form a row of circle tables that we sat around, and there was an atmosphere of everyone being comfortable and at piece with each other. I enjoyed that very much. We took photos. It was the last time for us Singaporeans to see Zac who was going home to India, and maybe HK since she wasn�t going to grad night.

On the MRT ride back, JY sat on one side, while HK, YS and I sat opposite. We talked girl-talk, the special sharing and chatting and we show care and concern and advice for each other.

On 29th Nov, the first day of MT�s church camp, Popo suddenly had an incident. She was having difficulty staying awake. She would wake up for a few minutes and then fall back to sleep again. Mum was worried, worried that the time for Popo had finally come. Mum brought KM and I to Popo�s home, MP had already been there for 2 hours having gone straight from school. I didn�t get wind of this incident till sometime before Mum fetched me. MT was at camp. I called home to get the camp commander�s number, and called the camp commander to reach MT since she had her handphone in her bag and hence didn�t answer any of our calls.

Many of my mum�s cousins, all happened to be female then, were already there. Even pastor was there. I was still recovering from my flu, (hence, if you were having sore throat, running nose, fever for a short while, then you know who to blame. Heehee.) so I had to wear a mask and I wasn�t allowed to touch her, but in the end I did hold her hand and massage her cold arms. Her blood pressure was so low that it was not measureable. In addition, I noticed her urine was reddish, which my auntie (mum�s cousin) said was because the body was cleansing itself before the person dies, just like 2 of her relatives did. Sometimes, it was difficult to hold back the tears, but they soon cleared. She�s not dead yet, and it isn�t confirmed that she�s dying, and don�t want to make her sad.

I realized that night that we always keep saying that we�ll do some things �the next time�. We keep assuming that there would be another day for us to get round to doing it, but what if your loved one is gone? There would be no more �next time� to take them out, or to say �I love you�, I know it sounds clich� but it�s true.

I also rethought one of my long-term goals, which was to leave a legacy behind; I have somewhat of a dream funeral. Even though I may have not done anything much, just like my grandmother is not some famous person, many people love her and will always remember her. I don�t need to do something big to have a lot of people come to my funeral. I hope I won�t die of a freak accident and have a lot of people come for that reason either. I do feel sympathy for the loved ones of the dragon boaters. I also feel sad, and it feels a bit sadder knowing that one of them was from my own school, and my teacher had taught him before.

By the way, should I die and have a funeral, I would like the wake to be held in my house and the funeral proceedings be held at St. Andrews Cathedral (which is also the place I hope to get married at) or somewhere central unlike Mandai so that many people can come to my funeral, and I don�t want to be at mandai where so many others hold their funerals at. Neither do I want to get cremated. But if I have to, then donate my organs first. I want to be buried next to my loved ones. If someone thinks �should I go to the funeral? I�m not really close to her, don�t really know her. I will feel awkward,� please, just come to my wake, even if it is just for 5 minutes, I�ll be happy to �meet� you again.

Thankfully, Thanks be to God, that that wasn�t Popo�s final night. She is alive and well now. Today she just went out with me to IKEA.

On Saturday, YS, EH and I went out shopping for grad night. YS and I met first for lunch. Had macs, used up the points I had collected from the other people�s receipts from breakfast that day. I went to Far East Plaza for the first time. YS bought the dress that she spotted on an earlier trip, and EH met us while YS was buying makeup for her japan trip. I bought a bangle from Chameleon, which was next door to Watsons. I wanted to buy heels at Tangs, since my dress looks bad in flats and I have big feet. I used to go round asking shops what was the largest size they had. The sizes were all too small but they claimed the cutting was different. My feet way to big lah. Sorry. Tangs was so expensive, and not so nice the shoes, so went to Novena. Went to Charles and Keith but the range was quite casual, not glam enough, then we went to bata, then shops in square 2, where YS bought her earrings. In the end, I bought $30 shoes from Bata. Not bad. The sheos in the Korean shop in square 2 sold the same size but the cutting was too narrow.

After that, I went to volunteer at the ballet performance by Dance Spectrum International in aid of Autism Resource Centre and Pathlight School. I have been volunteering for them for nearly a decade now. I helped them with the VIP ticketing and a bit of sales of souvenirs. Victoria Concert Hall is such a beautiful place. I like the colonial buildings that the British built, white and full of detail and charm. Took a few photos of the building because I was bored. I captured an image similar to the one used in the handbook on how to use the camera.

On Monday, SM came over to download photos from my laptop. While I sat by her waiting, she let me play with her Nintendo DS. I�ve never played, never even touched, a gameboy before so was quite excited and thankful for it. I played one round of Mario Kart. It was so fun! And surprise, I got first place for the first race� After that I kept getting 5th place, so overall I got 3rd place out of 8+ racers. Haha! So fun! Thanks SM!

Last night was Grad Night. It was raining the WHOLE DAY from morning till evening. I�m serious. NO end to the rain! Fortunately, Mum was able to bring me to do my hair and make-up. $60. heeehee. I didn�t curl my hair because I didn�t want to. Should I dye my hair, it�ll be fun, though damaging to the hair. Haha. After doing everything, I was a bit alarmed, for I wasn�t used to looking like this. I like my un-made-up self. I like the straightened hair though.

Mum picked up EH and YS too. I was at Bugis Village while they were at Bugis Junction across the road. We found it embarrassing to walk around on the streets in our dresses, and I still hadn�t come to terms with, or get stressed up enough until I choose to ignore the hairdo and makeup and outfit, the apperances lah.

Mum dropped us off at Meritus Mandarin, our grad night�s location. Lynn and JH were already there. As expected, we were surprised at how each other looked, not used to the formal wear all that. For guys, they have it easy with the hair, gel a bit, just buy nice shirt, jacket, pants, shoes, done. Girls�perm the hair, find the �perfect� dress out of so many dresses, wear painful heels, make up, aiyah. But being JC students, the girls turned up looking fab.

By the way, girls like to think that they look pretty, even if they deny it on the outside. And of course, they�re pretty. I believe every girl is beautiful to some extent. (I don�t think that any guy reads my blog, but this is VERY GOOD ADVICE for them on how girls think.)

A lot of photos were taken that night. I think in that room a thousand photos must have been taken, counting that there were about 400 people there that night. I didn�t take many photos with others, I was the one taking photos for other people! I�m comfortable with that lah. :)

At one point in time, I found that everyone was taking photos or chatting with their own gang, and if there were no others not doing anything, they aren�t that close with me, so I was alone again. (oh so sad!) But that feeling was soon gone.

The food at Meritus Mandarin had a lot of ajinomoto. Could taste it. YS liked the ajinomoto. I didn�t.

Walking in high heels was interesting, I still wasn�t taller than Nayan (haha). My feet were rolling over to the side, my ankles hurt a bit at the end of the day. I don�t wanna have to wear high heels in a long long long long long time. Hahaa. Mum doesn�t mind if I get married in sneakers, that is if I get married. Haha.

Didn�t win anything in the lucky draw. There were some really nice prizes. Laser printer, ben&jerry�s voucher, nike voucher, ipod video, and the top prize was sony PS3!!

There were balloons that were floating, trapped by the ceiling�s lights as decoration. There was one string which was very long, and YS joked that she wanted a balloon, so Nayan, super-tall Nayan, jumped up and got the balloon! And we forced YS to take the balloon. She was quite happy to get a balloon. She and SW had 2 balloons each at the end of the day, and quite a number of girls had balloons. At the table behind us, or near us, there was a balloon that sank down right to the person�s level. Wow.

After the official celebrations were over, there were still balloons hanging up there. MF was staring up pondering on whether he should try and jump and get the balloons up there. Nayan tried jumping, but did a little jump as he didn�t want to reveal his skin at his waist. I also thought of trying to jump and get the balloon, but I didn�t dare try because being in a dress and heels prevented me. Social decorum also kept me pinned to the chair during the dinner and I cannot go walk-around if I wanted to. I knew MF wanted to try and jump for the balloon. I tried to �encourage� him into doing it, but he didn�t dare try. The reason I gave to want him to jump up to get the balloon is to see if he could reach it, and I really did want to see if he could reach it. I didn�t want a balloon because at the end of the day, the balloon would deflate and be gone. No use what. I don�t know whatta do with a balloon.

YS hugged the guys to bid them farewell before SW, she and I left. This was the last time we would see them, the next time would be the collection of results. I didn�t take photos with the guys, I took with my girl classmates and some other girl friends, and the guys who asked me to take with them. I never dared approach a guy to take photo with during farewell assembly nor today, just felt that I shouldn�t, even though there is no logic in it and I know that the guys would oblige to take photos with me. Never mind, YS has a lot of photos which I believe she will share with me. So those of ya who got photos ya wanna share with me, please send them to me so I can put it up on photobucket. I also heard that the other girls who didn�t go for grad night went out for dinner together. Any photos to share? This is what the photographer-chronicler of this class does.

On the car ride back, SW shared her advice on putting on makeup to YS and I listened in. Now I know how to put mascara, not that I�m going to put it on, but just good to know lah. Haha. I had a fun night out and I�m glad I got my own ride back. Thank God for the fun times we had.

Today, as I said earlier, Mum brought KM, Arlene, Siti, Popo and I to IKEA tampines. They have handicap friendly carpark lots and handicap friendly amenities. Ok, I think the gap between the escalator and lift needs to be widened because a lot of people like to stand there I noticed and block our way. We had teatime first at the caf� before going round. There were so many empty tables! It keeps amazing me that how crowded the place is at lunchtime and how empty it is at other times. So easy to find space for ourselves! I had soup with bread, half a poached salmon dish, KM had a whole plate of one roast chicken leg, potato carrot and some chicken wings which he got from the common plate that the maids shared. Popo had vegetarian noodles. Mum had the other half of the poached salmon. She ate half before giving it to me. Naughty KM eat so much again. 129kg! OMGosh. And he still �curi makan� even though we keep scolding him. Never ending process. Haizz.

Brought popo around the showroom floor then down to the markethall. She was very happy to be wheeled around. She relishes the times when she can go on outings, something which we take for granted sometimes. Her catheter was cleverly disguised in a carrier bag I noticed. We bought some giant sticker flowers for about $13 for 3 sheets, which we would stick on the wall to decorate her bedroom. So cool!

So that�s about it. MP had her organ exam today, MT watched Urinetown and Enchanted (for the second time while I haven�t seen it yet). Both of them are not home yet. KM is staying with Mum and Popo because he has a bloodtest tomorrow before he goes on some diet plan which mum paid for to the hospital. (somehow I think he won�t follow it. Why ah? Hmmm�) I going out tomorrow after the pestering by somebody for the WHOLE WEEK. Everytime I online pester me. Ok lah, she hasn�t seen me in a long time lah. And I�m going to see T3 soon! Daddy is also planning to bring me to see Golden Compass.

I promise photos will be uploaded soon! Have a good December and year ahead! Till next time, see ya!