Dear Diary,
Now it�s time to wrap up for 2009, and for the first decade of the 21st Century. This means a lot of typing to do. Let�s go � after I clean up Kitty�s litterbox.

Ok it turns out Kitty�s box is clean but I smell something...

2009 has seen a lot of things happening. In the second half of the year I didn�t blog much and hence the archives show quite few entries for me to reference on. I hope I can remember the main things.

It seems this year I really have grown up (not talking about height). Like this little girl is forced to grow up into a big girl and further on into an adult. Ou...

Let�s categorise this entry.
1. Hall
2. Academics
3. Exploits
4. Fencing
5. Holidays
a. Hong Kong
b. LSM1301
6. Freedom from secrecy
7. Hair colour
8. Friendship
a. Birthdays
b. Meeting ups, one on ones, convos
c. What I have learnt.
9. Identity
10. God

Hall
Firstly, January, I stayed in hall, so I was regularly staying away from home. I wasn�t much emotionally impacted by it, not like some parents get nervous breakdown etc. as they usually do when their child is going to study overseas. I was in hall so all the food was catered, I would be coming home every week, and my parents knew I am independent enough and sane enough to be left alone and I won�t do anything stupid. Yup, so in hall we did only a couple of chores, we being Shelby (oh horror, haha) and I, the main 2 being laundry and mopping the floor. There were also some minor stuff like keeping your own space clean and folding your blanket � these were personal preferences. I liked to keep the table clear so that there would be space for L sized me. Oh yes I am sure my family didn�t miss noisy me.

As I said, because I was staying in sem2, the point of staying in hall was for the convenience. Yes, it was very convenient, lah-dee-dah-ing in the morning, then half an hour to take shuttle bus to class, going in jeans sometimes but very often t-shirts and shorts, slippers or my sneakers (which I always kept INSIDE my room, so I was spared from that shoe theft incident).

I must add: It was convenient I had a room on campus to return to to do my work without worrying where I can get a space to study. I also got to know Shelby much better. There was lunches and studying and debating on things, just the two of us.

I must also mention the one time I went to Sheares Hall Supper with my other fencing friends plus Shelby staying on campus. It�s nice to walk around at night casually and eat and talk casually. It is a must-do thing when one stays on campus.

Academics
Sem2 of AY0809 was the first semester I had that was not all core modules, so I did an SS module: Evolution of Global City State, by the history department, and I really enjoyed it. I read the readings to relax from my engin stuff. I worked hard and got decent results for the semester. Only last night did I work out the SAP and I realise I got 4.00, and realise that 4.00 is for B+, not A-. My grades of sem1 of AY0809 wasn�t that fantastic, when you have the horrible modules of EG1108 and MLE1101, and not studying for a long time before that so what was taught in JC was no longer fresh, and the shock of how fast things are, 20 weeks of education in the past was squeezed into 13 weeks now. It�s just that CAP, looking at the big �significant� digit in front, I have yet to break the 4.00 barrier. I�m waiting for the big digit change, for the better of course. My SAP for Sem1, AY0910 is also 4.00 :) slowly going up :) just keep up my efforts and my CAP should approach 4.00, which hopefully isn�t an asymptote (sorry, nerd me).

For Sem1 AY0910, the non-core module I did was History and Theory of Modern Architecture, GEK1016. I was hoping for an A but I am happy with my B. The final exam paper was easy, but a lot of weight was also placed on the 2 written assignments. It took me a lot of time and research � I borrowed books from the library for the first time! �in the library and at home and produced the group and individual essays. The group essay brought to me two friends from my tutorial group; before that I knew no one except an ex-SMSS girl who was more of an acquaintance and she wasn�t in my seminar (as tutorial times are called because they are more of seminars) group. I enjoyed the module much, and was glad that the timings didn�t clash with my cores, and Daddy could pick me home after lectures.

For the semester that just passed, for the first time I had CE-coded modules. Actually I found out later that CE2134, ME2134, and another engineering, used the same code for fluid mechanics. Basically all the modules coded CE are to be taken by CE and ESE students, though the content might not be unique. But for the first time, I could see what Civil Engineering knowledge was really all about. Nothing like swimming in the water itself. Before that we only saw what we could by staring at the pool and the reflections in it. And we engineers wonder why we are in engineering. It�s tough, but it�s professional and we make things happen.

The modules aren�t easy, of course. As we go higher up the standards, we would have to get more and more cheem modules, and hence the pre-requisites. Since I was no longer staying on-campus, I started to make the library my second home on-campus, besides LT2. The part that I sit at is cold (the journals section is very warm apparently, near the corners and windows), so I finally found that the jackets I use have to be of a certain thickness and length for my fingers to not chill out. Hence the engin windbreaker and the oxford sweater and the white sweater. The brown jacket works too because it�s sleeves are long enough for me, I think, but I can�t remember. Yup, in between lessons, do homework there, do readings there (borrowing from the RBR for the first time), and later during exam time, study there till late. My efforts paid off, I kept my SAP at 4.00, my CAP improved.

Exploits
Another exploit of mine in the first half of the year was CAC+US 2009. Ever since I entered university, I did one other activity in concurrence with fencing. Actually CAC+US planning started in 2008 and the final event was held in 2009. I was in Programmes and it wasn�t easy � I was glad the head of my cell was experienced � if one has no experience it couldn�t have been accomplished. The event was a success and we broke even. Later in the year, months later, we had a treat from the P.D. (project director), none other than Xy, though only 5 of us turned up it was fun (: I learned a lot about how to interact with others, after I stepped on a lot of people�s toes � ok not so many but I bashed up myself after stepping on them, and witnessed the discussion of politics � I never heard so much politics before and was blind to any politics until I was in this. I learned that I should be quiet and just observe and be aware of things. The most important is to be quiet, unless you got the power and know how to shift things, and above all, do it only when the thing must be shifted for the benefit of everyone else. An example of the lowest form of taking action only when it is needed: raising your hand and speaking out when the lecturer cannot be heard, instead of sitting there quietly and wondering what is being said.

This semester and for the next semester as well, I am part of engine publications, doing the layout for the engine student magazine FUSE. I�m using a lot of the photoshop skills that I picked up from MP and used for the fencing stuff and learnt from other people along the way, and from experimenting. Obviously I�ve never done anything like it before and I�m challenging myself into accomplish things I�ve never done before. Look out for the January issue; you might just see some of my colourful artwork. My favourite one is the black and yellow one � you�ll know it when you see it. With this I�m going to be tied for more than one semester so I cannot take up any organisational thing besides my fencing. Yup so I can�t organise anymore special events things like CAC+US.

During the summer holidays I volunteered for Tri-ennial Varsity Games and did nothing much. I also was involved as an APEC Ambassador and was stationed at Changi Airport. Did nothing much also but got to know some people. I also volunteered for RunNUS. Sad thing it rained, but made two friends and got to know another better. Rachael, Lm and Anushka!
The biggest thing I am involved with as a volunteer now is YOG. I�m going to be a judge for modern pentathlon. In October was the seminar and there was an information overload. The seminar part 2 was in December and we went through most of the things and did the written exam (yes or no) and sad to say, I failed the fencing component, but I will try again and I must pass! :D Held concurrently was the qualifiers for Asia and Oceania at Sports School, so we had to practise whatever we had theoretically learnt (or rather, what we could remember), so we asked around and when we finally did our roles, we got the idea of things better. Yup so in August 2010, along with many other students in the universities I am sure, you will find me missing from school.

Fencing

Staying in hall also meant that for the first time, I went to fencing suppers. I really got to know the fencers better through them (and also got a lot of free car rides which would translate into hundreds, no thousands, of dollars if they were taxi fares). Fencing suppers are integral to bonding in the club. The Fencers and the gang I sit with in CE lectures are the closest group of friends I have in uni.

I can proudly say, that though my fencing isn�t fantastic, I have improved over this year and am now a better fencer. But of course the most growth starts in the beginning when you know nothing but once the basics are in and everyone reaches a certain level, the growth will not seem as great. I don�t want to be jaded, I must remember why I like fencing. Besides the friends I like challenging myself physically and mentally. Trying to outsmart the opponent and manipulating your blade to do so, it is very intriguing.

I have been re-elected (well it was a walkover because no one else contested) into the post of Publicity Officer. I enjoy serving NUS Fencing in this way. I may not be a talented athlete but I can do admin and other stuff! The most recent thing I did was to revamp the noticeboard and complete it�s revamp. So far it�s gotten rave reviews from the other fencers :D thank you thank you. The Fencing T-shirt was also done and so you can see the white dri-fit shirt with the giant words in Harry-Potter like font (no it wasn�t intentionally chosen to be harry-potter like, it is coincidental) that my fellow members proudly wear. Makes me secretly over the moon.

January was Novices. Obviously I didn�t make it past D.E. For the team event, the 4 of us girls (Celeste, Aerene, Sq and I) defeated the first team (from SMSS) but were trashed by ABF, duh. But we learned much and enjoyed our first team competition, and the last we would ever have together as a team. Sq graduated and moved on to working life and Celeste left for Beijing on NOC before the next team event of the year we competed in was held � SMU AVFC in August. We accidentally missed Pesta Sukan. Ngee Ann Invites and RJ Invites were individual only and held in December. For SMU, Ngee Ann and RJ, I made it past D.E. For SMU, I had to fence the first round of d.e., while for Ngee Ann and RJ, I bypassed the first round. For Ngee Ann I managed to defeat my opponent and get into round of 8 but was knocked out, for RJ I was eliminated at round of 16. For RJ, my opponent�s seed was more close to mine so that was an indication of the competition - tougher. For once I parry-reposed properly in competition; but I also need to work down on my chase � less chionging and better point control. Don�t give away points.

When the new academic year started, I was wondering how the club�s social structure would be affected with the arrival of new members. Would they form their own group and be separated from the current batch (which by the time the holidays were over, were very close) or would they be integrated? Also, how would things be like with the departure of the graduating seniors? In none of my past CCAs ever were a batch of members close. There wasn�t much to reference to in the seniors of fencing because the year above us only had 2 active members and my batch was huge and we just melged, melted and forged, together across all the years, except maybe for the grand seniors who didn�t come all the time and were very bonded amongst themselves. We large batch of juniors would become seniors... Thankfully my fears were put the rest. After the initial stabilising period, the current batch of juniors has somewhat integrated with the club, and most of the seniors visit from time to time, especially YL who keeps coming regularly for trainings.

Besides fencing trainings and suppers, there were also other outings like the chalet after CNY, jumping jacks, KTV, movies, post-exams outing at orchard, the camp, and the trip to HK which I missed (and an outing to M�sia I wasn�t informed about). In addition was Aerene�s and WL�s 21st birthdays. As I see it, fencing really is close like a (should be) family now. We are open in our conversations, we call each other out for outings, we joke around etc. [I can now say I am free from that Yj Jo joke for it has evolved from a love triangle into a couple. Now I can just sit outside quietly and observe things, and jab ineffectively at them. I might have wormed my way out of the other jokes too, but they were fun while they lasted. ... ... no wonder Joanna likes to keep adding fuel to the fire she is in.] We do care about each other. We see each other for 10 hours a week, so it�s no surprise. If I have a birthday party I would invite them. [I am still thinking on how to go about my birthday celebrations and am considering splitting it into several days � one day for each group of people, because if we twins invited all our friends to our home on one day, we wouldn�t have enough space for everyone (note it�s double the number) and we would be going from group to group so we might not get to spend "quality time" with each group; it would be just hi-bye.]

Holidays
After the exams in May, I had my first uni summer holidays. 3 months. I didn�t know what to do. Firstly they were too short to get a stable job. Secondly, they were too long to slack all day � I would get restless. Some friends I knew got jobs as ice-cream scoopers, flyer distributers, temperature takers (it was H1N1 period), while others like me just remained unemployed and did our own things like join student activities, doing what we always wanted to do, etc. not all of us wanted to enter the job market given that it was already tight for the graduates because of the economic downturn worldwide. So in May I slacked so much I rotted. If not for fencing, I would have nothing to do and go bonkers. I decided not to slack anymore so in June, I went to Hong Kong and visited my friends there and had a great time (: took a lot of photos, some videos too, did a lot of shopping, catch up with friends, especially my primary 3 best friend I had not seen in 11 years. Lynn�s trip coincided with mine and we met up with SM, so 3 of us 06S03 classmates together :D After buying so many things, I decided not to shop for the rest of the year, since clothes are imperishable goods. I did falter here and there and bought things like another pair of flip flops, but generally restricted myself most of the time.

At the end of June, I started special semester II. Together with Ryan and Cheryl, I did LSM1301, General Biology. It was a very fun learning experience and contrary to what I believed earlier, my CAP actually improved instead of remaining stagnant. I finally achieved something I always wanted to do: learn biology. What is still outstanding is learning my grandmother�s cooking, amongst things I keep forgetting. (so it�s not really �what I ALWAYS wanted to do�, I guess) My DNA is still sitting in a micro test-tube, the long white strands suspended in ethanol, in my drawer. I didn�t drink the beer because I found the bottle only after it expired.

Freedom from secrecy
I must add this paragraph, though not many of you will know what is going on behind it. I used to keep certain secrets that kept me conscious at night. After some time, I decided I wanted to let them go, that I couldn�t contain them anymore without me �suffering� from all the emotional attacks. Slowly I released them, and immediately, after I released each one, I felt relieved that I need not hide anymore, I need not withhold, I could now tell the total truth and be honest. It�s a great feeling to know that I can tell you everything and everything and know you will still be my friend. Praise God for the great friends I have.

Hair Colour
I am digressing from the serious issues now. Haha. This year I did something a bit extreme � I highlighted my hair. I had always been thinking of what colour should my hair be if I were to colour it, and I thought my family would be against it, but voila � I have highlighted my hair twice this year � the second time was to touch up. A bit radical and Ah Lian of me, but the hair colour did make me happy when the novelty was still there. I�m proud of it. I hope it brings out the colour of my eyes.
What I think was more extreme was the hair style from the time I touched up my highlights. I also went for a chop that ended up with a hair style much shorter than anything I had in a nong nong nong time. It was so short I couldn�t tie it. I also had my hair relaxed, so it was a major overhaul on my hair � and it turned out very nice :D expert Uncle Morris (we sisters were introduced to him with the Uncle in front) does it again. Now my hair has grown out a bit (my hair sure grows fast) and it�s beginning to curl, as usual, but it�s still soft and rather straight. :) I was looking for a fresh change and I did get it, and is the case for many women, it happened in a time when there was �emotional baggage� (I can�t find a lighter phrase) with the status quo and we were looking to break free.

In the early part of the year, I was content with wearing shorts and slippers. My standard of dressing actually became more like the average engineering student, with those kind of regular cut unisex shirts. Apparently MT said in the past that I was against people wearing flip flops to Orchard Road. I still am but not so strict. I wouldn�t wear my black ones which are more for sports. I would only wear the better looking ones, but even then, it is either because it is raining or I am rushing out of the house or some practical reason.

However, in the later part of the year, somehow I noticed that the fencing girls (my batch) were rather fashionable, sans me of course. Some of the guys too. I decided to put effort into my dressing to make it less sloppy and more fashionable. I made some headway but I have realised now that it�s not easy for me to maintain such momentum, and I have lost that momentum. It doesn�t help that I am not fashion-fwd, nor the fact that whenever I wear my berms it is hard to match with other stuff �fashionably�, and lastly, girls just have it more complicated to look fashionable. I didn�t say �harder�, I said �more complicated�. Somehow when others wear t-shirt and jeans they look fine, whereas I look, erm, nothing to be said lah. Haha ohwell. Let my metal smile and my personality shine!
Oh yes, didn�t you know I am not-so-secretly slightly vain? :P

Friendship
I was invited to several of my friends� 21st birthdays, and of course other birthdays too like Eli�s 20th. Shelby�s was spent in school and we 3 (Dina, Kim and I) surprised her with a cake at the end of the day in hall. My mum brought me up with the impression that the 21st birthday is a really really really big thing, where the parents would give a lock and key, where there would be a big celebration and it would be a really important day. Indeed, the 21st birthday was a very significant celebration to some of my friends but not all of them treated it with the grandeur somehow my mum managed to implant in my brain, though I had no idea what kind of grandeur it meant. For some of the birthdays, it was as simple as a bbq with a bunch of close friends. That was it. But care was taken that this birthday did not go uncelebrated. Some people don�t have cake every year, some people don�t celebrate birthdays even unless they are significant numbers. (I am a spoilt child and I know it. I am glad I didn�t turn out a spoilt brat. Oh horror.) I am very very honoured to have been considered a close friend enough to be worthy of an invitation to the 21st birthday celebrations of my friends. [For the record, I was invited to HK�s, Aerene�s, the triplets, and WL�s, and add on EH�s very delayed celebration at Changi Airport.] I�m not even 21 yet. (gosh I am going to be this year!) Thank you thank you, for choosing to share your special day with me. Next one for you I guess to share is your wedding day, haha. My friends� celebrations show me that it�s not about grandeur on the 21st birthday. It�s more on making it extra special to you, how you go about it is up to you. If you feel every birthday is special and you want to celebrate it the same way you always do, go ahead. If you don�t feel like celebrating it, then go ahead, but let me know first so that I can still at least say happy birthday. :)

I on my 20th birthday did what I wanted � something different. I had a picnic in the morning at botanics. Then lunch at Ichiban Boshi at Novena with eli and Shelby, ting, and MP�s two closest friends from SPVC (which includes her b.f.) and Daddy managed to get out of the office and come down and paid for lunch. I really appreciate the effort. And Kevin, MP�s b.f. really got the whole house laughing by giving me a bouquet of flowers, which reminds me, I didn�t get a good look at the yellow roses he gave me for Christmas, and they might have died by now. :( sorry sorry. But he might be thinking right now that the way into my heart to win me over (yes, if you date a girl, you have to win over her family into accepting you) is through flowers. But but, I tell you, the best way to win me over, is to treat your girlfriend right according to my standards. *oh man that might be quite tough*. Just to let you know Kevin, you are doing quite fine, some parts are a bit wary, but your score is slightly higher than Victor, MT�s bf. But no one gets 100 percent unless I spy on them with my aerial cameras and other spying equipment, which I don�t have.

I also celebrated my birthday with some of my JC classmates. It was very deliberate and cunning of me, but one of the biggest reasons why I did it was so that I could hear a group of friends sing to me �happy birthday� in person. My birthday always fell during the holidays, so it never happened. It�s also because my past habit of celebrating birthdays was inviting a few people, so in total about 6 people, and going out to have lunch at a place of our (we are twins mah) choice and then spending the afternoon together, and that�s about it, a quiet thing, and in the evening having a family dinner out at a place of our choice (so we twins have to think much more in advance for we have to agree on a place to go to). Yup so I was really happy with this birthday outing. HK, you gotta tell me the name of the cake and where you bought it from. I think it is a perfect combination of chocolate, and lightness.

I made a lot of new friends this year and strengthened/maintained other friendships this year. Friendship is a very important thing to me. I believe in giving the best you can without expecting in return. If anything is to be expected, it is respect and thankfulness for the efforts I put in. Both parties give their best to each other and both benefit from the efforts and thank each other. And both are honest and kind to each other. That�s true love in friendship, Phileo. I hope I have been a good friend to you. If I have lacked in some areas, let me know and I will try to improve (:

This year I had several outings of party of two, not just Shelby and I only. There was also Samuel and I, WR and I, YS and I, Lynn and I, XJ and I (ok, that was to buy present), MP and I, and others not listed � apologies that I cannot recall now. There was also other outings where I was invited to that I only knew one person but then made friends with the others there. Like Joel and I went to play badminton and got to know his two Youth Orchestra friends, and Lynn and I went to watch Harry Potter and I got to know her secondary school friends. They are cool people (:

As I said earlier, those party of two outings allowed me to build on friendships. It�s hard to get a whole gang together, and when it�s just two of us that are free, and or both don�t mind just being two people, then it�s a party of two outing. I forgot to add that there was the one time I visited SIM to have lunch with HK. The Megabites there is the best, better than NUS duh. I also had several long msn chats to either catch up with people or HTHT (that acronym I just learned this month). The philosophical conversations with Flo, the catching up with XL, conversing with Joy, HK, Joel(he�s very easy to talk to, no we aren�t together), Marie, YS, etc.
During the holidays Lynn invited me to swim at Seng Kang swimming pool and now I have been there 3 times. So we�ve swam together 3 times and so she�s one of the few who have seen me in swimming costume. Hahaha, but it�s fun and both of us enjoy swimming. (:

I have learnt that though people don�t say anything, they actually appreciate my efforts and they don�t go unnoticed, as so well-said by Aerene to me in her birthday sms. (why is it i can remember this but not other important stuff like finding my BTT books for ting, or my fencing rules for UIPM fencing test?, haha, it�s because some things are more life-changing than others i guess.) When I posted up pictures, when I made the videos, when I spent time and helped my friends, I am appreciated. I don�t need to keep getting feedback all the time, I just gotta have a little more faith in them and in myself.

My Identity
It�s confusing when the character is ever-moulding and subject to many forces at a time. My identity has shifted and morphed a lot this year. The gaffawing uni year one girl has morphed into the quieter but still gaffawing young adult, gaining adult character and losing some of the teenager dumbness. Some innocence has been retained, some is being lost. I hope to remain innocent though. My self-esteem was put on the rocks many a times this year, and I forsee it will still be tested in this new year, and I hope I will cling onto God and not slip into emo-ing. Right now at this point of the questioning of my identity, I wish to know if I am something more than merely �the nice one�, or �the nicest one�, though being known as �the nicest one� is a good thing I don�t mind keeping. I can�t write much now cos it�s 5.07am and I am losing the ability to think deeply.

The one who has been keeping it all together for me
Dearest God has been silently following me all this while. This year I felt Him getting much quieter than He was in the past. Why I am saying this is that I don�t feel His presence that strongly as compared to JC days. I hope I haven�t slipped in my faith, but I notice that I am not as devoted as I was in the past. This worries me. But looking through all that I went through in 2009, God has been very kind to me and has been protecting me and supporting me through all the storms and blessing me with good things, doing all these quietly, so subtly. Thank You God that You still love me no matter what has happened or will happen. Help me to love You as much as You love me. Keep me close, never let me slip away.
Dearest God, please bless 2010 for all my family and friends, that things may be good to them, that no matter what storm, they will come out stronger and alive. I pray God that they will come to know what a wonderful being You are, that they can receive Your blessings of a love that is unconditional and eternal and never failing, never fading, that You will always be there for them. Humans fail, but You who are perfect, never. In Jesus�s name I pray, Amen

Happy 2010 and Goodnight.