some notes:

today was my last paper. i thought it was at 2.15pm. i wondered why so many people were in school, so i looked at the timetable then realised the paper was at 8am!! thank God that Daddy sends me to school early.

my fingers became cold in the exam, and i ended up entering the numbers wrongly into the calculator. It's as if someone stuck giant rubber blobs onto my finger tips until i can't feel the keys and end up pressing 2 keys at the same time.

shelby was late by a couple of minutes. she arrived just when the paper started. i feel partly responsible for her misfortune but thank God she has forgiven me.

later shelby and I went to AMK hub to walk around and explore it, nearly lost my voice from all that talking. bought some stuff then we went to Popo's house. had lunch there and watched the 1st disc of Liang Shan Bo and Zhu Ying Tai. in other words, the famous story of the Butterfly Lovers. I was following the english translation cos my mandarin is so bad i can't understand what's being sung, neither can i read the chinese subtitles.

Mum later brought the 2 of us and KM and MT to IKEA Tampines. Had a lot of fun there. Shelby ate swedish meatballs for the first time, we didn't realise it. It's also Shelby's first time at IKEA Tampines as a whole and MT at the cafe. I like IKEA a lot.

My grandmother's getting better. she is pushed around the house in a wheelchair. she has lost strength in her legs after not using them for so long. Her bedsores are almost gone (one must ALWAYS turn old people over who aren't capable of turning themselves to PREVENT bedsores. it's the first chapter of the nursing course in poly). Mum stays over there now with one of our maids, popo's own maid and popo, so at any instance in time, there'll be two people looking after her. also, mum's friends visit her often, so she's very happy. Upon hearing that Mum would be bringing us to IKEA, Popo wants to go ikea, so mum might bring her tomorrow.

I left my physics notes in popo's house, but it's fine since no more exams for me. JIA YOU LYNN, EH, YH, YS, JH, Elissa! and eli and Grace too, and melo and HP and all my bio friends.

tomorrow, i plan to start planning out the class chalet in detail. firstly, i need someone to help me. Zerothly, i need to figure out what needs to be done, since i'm not very good at thinking straight.

thanks SM for helping to arrange the food!

most of us are considering getting a job soon. Lynn's gonna do workshadowing at NUH and dentistry. I'm considering whether i should join her (lynn's looking for people to join her so she won't be so lonely). I want to help people you see, i want to make an impact on people's lives in a positive way, an impact that can be felt in my lifetime. the thing about research is that you might or might not find something useful, and even if you do find something useful, usually the labs do not develop the idea further until it can be useful for the masses in quick time. maybe that cannot be said for biotech, but i'm not an expert in that.

I want to carefully consider and find out what i REALLY want to do. I really, and sincerely I really do admire people who know what their strong points are and or what they want to do with their lives. I don't want to be a lost soul, stuck in a ordinary job that i don't relish, that doesn't help people who really need it (hence i will not be a salesperson in a luxury store. DONATE THE MONEY YOU FILTHY RICH PPLE WHO HOARD MONEY FOR THEMSELVES AND NEVER DONATE DURING FLAG DAY. (yep, i came across one such person. awful feeling in my heart. the sense of injustice, wronged for something innocent))

take for example, HK, she knows her gift lies in people-to-people, social stuff. Lynn, she knows she wants to go to Med(icine) school. Janani, she, from young, knows she wants to SING, and she has the talent. Only this week or last did i realise that the feeling of invincibility, the feeling that i can achieve anything as long as i try (no, that doesn't mean i don't believe that i won't face setbacks), this description from the lessons on Youth in jc1 GP lessons. This "ideal" of a youth was ignited when i decided to make the video for the class last year, that's what i think.

But, I still don't know what are my talents, gifts or abilities, ok, i don't think i can use "abilities" accurately to describe the situation. sometimes it makes me feel like a "loser". someone who cannot achieve great things in life. maybe this stupid illogical feeling can be blamed by the fact that I had a celebrity as a schoolmate (Janani) and that my personal(selfish) long term goal in life (nothing to do with the religious azpect) is to be a legend like Mrs Caroline Lee was. She was a great principal. I want to be the best I can be.

I sincerely believe that I have a talent, one that is God-given. God gives everyone a talent, which somehow I haven't discovered yet after spending at least a decade on this Earth(I put the capital E there after Mr Lee's comments in our physics papers). And once in a while, these thoughts, which i have just shared with you earlier, come up again and again in my mind and disturb me like itching mosquito bites. I genuinely wish that I would find my talents and other purpose in life (one purpose is to spread God's love and love God back) that God has allocated for me with my special talent. But would i see it? or would i die, and like so many others, never know what that gift was? i hope not.

I would like to end with something in reply to the poem that lynn took a photo of, the poem neatly written in pencil on the study table outside LT4, i think, the one outside the LT closest to the photocopy shop.

Don't rely and wait on other's efforts to instill hope to change the world, for each person has all is needed to make a change for the better, no matter how small you think you are. something as simple as a smile, a coin, and most important of all, love, is all that is needed for a brighter day to shine towards us all from the horison. So take the first step. today.

God Loves You. He means it.