This is going to be like a report card of what I did in 2015, where I have grown and what I hope for in 2016. Bear with me – I will try to make it as succinct as I can.

2015 has been a year of the Lord’s Favour, as I predicted at the turn of 2014/2015. I had done many fun things, had an unprecedented opportunities to do new things, and learned much. It was definitely a celebratory year, no doubt aided by SG50.

I learned much over this year. I learned to love fully with no limits. I learned more mature professional behavior for the office. I stepped out of my comfort zones and saw that I am capable of more than I can “chances are” predict. I would say I am wiser and more accepting of my character traits. I don’t recall having those emo-attack nights often this year.

I realized that my identity can only be tied to God. I used to consider being an engineer and a fencer as core parts of my identity. But after what happened a few years ago I discounted fencing as part of my identity, and this year I discounted engineering. Now my identity cannot be robbed or altered by anything that happens on earth. My sense of being is assured.

LUCKY

Right on New Year’s Day 2015, Lucky was so ill. He did not eat at all, did not want to drink, peed on himself, had no strength to get up. It was terrible and so unexpected. We rushed him down to the vet where he was warded and put on oxygen supply. His signs were not good. It seemed that his liver had failed and he was going to die. We were so heartbroken. Mum tried to convince us to put him down, but how could we? Surgery was not a good option because most dogs in his case would be in immense pain after the surgery and only 30% lived after the operation. We decided to put him on medication drip and prayed for the best.
His condition was stable but not any better. Then miraculously he began to improve. He made an effort to stand up and hold for a few seconds. He rejected unappetizing hospital food and ate bak kwa. He regained enough strength to be discharged to spend the “last days” at home without oxygen support. We rushed back and forth to administer his injections through the IV port. There was one jab that needed to be administered every 8 hours (which means that there would be one jab at an awkward hour), and one that had a huge tube to be slowly injected over 15-20 minutes. We were super-nurses.
We took turns spending the night with him in the living room. We were so afraid he would have an emergency in the middle of the night. But he got stronger, and soon was able to walk by himself a few steps and even went to the garden to pee. He was a miracle.
I learned to love fully. If I did not shower him with love now, I would regret not having shown him love should he move on. I learned to seize the chance to hug him, kiss him, pet him. In fact I had never kissed him before till when he was in the hospital. Every day with him now is like a second chance with him. I realized what it is true love: to drop all activities without batting an eyelid and rushing down to be with him, to sacrifice time and the opportunities to do what I wanted, to put him ahead of myself, to wish that I could take his place in death so that he could live.

WORK

I still am driven by my desire to see my estate grow in full. I intend to continue staying here. However, if the big big boss changes to the someone I don’t like, I will reconsider because I will have a personality conflict with him. I am happy where I am now. I made a careful decision before joining an organization because I will give my loyalty, and so far that decision has paid off well.
This year, I learned more appropriate behavior for the office (knowing my primitive nature), the wisdom to keep silent, and of course the usual learning on the job to become better at it.

GOT PROMOTED, FINALLY.

I am a cynic about the whole ranking exercise thing. My employer has dated mentality, insisting on fitting people into the bell curve. I attended a training course about Performance Management (aka. How to do performance appraisal). My employer does that on the surface, but deep down the whole thing is rigged. The big bosses set the scores and my direct boss has no say.
I was disheartened last year when I didn’t get promoted despite all my hard work. But later I saw it that it was my other colleagues’ turn to get promoted. There was a limit to how many can get promoted every year. They are good workers and deserve their promotion. That batch had to finish being promoted before it could come to my turn. To my negative surprise, I saw how much the pay jumped with the increase in rank as compared to the annual increase. Then if someone is not promoted, all that money was being withheld from them. I decided to just ignore the whole thing. As long as I was drawing a decent consistent salary and was being respected and treated fairly, I would be fine with it.
Of course I am happy to be promoted, in spite of all the above.

MY ESTATE

The first BTO project of my estate launched. Another milestone. Much work was done by my colleagues to prepare things ready for the launch and for the tender. Many queries I had to answer. I am involved in a special project. I presented to the Directors of several stat boards. I was shaking in nervousness. I felt degraded after DCEO(B) ‘shot’ me in front of them all. Well, I am not dead, so I pick up myself, grow more steel and walk on stronger.
The Master Plan received an award at the Singapore Institute of Architects Awards 2015. The QP Architect also received a Presidents’ Designer of the Year Award 2015. For all its niceties, I have my eyes opened to see the flaws of the master plan (after all, it is man-made, not God-made).There were things overlooked that are giving us downstream headaches. There are still some other chefs who want to stir the already-cooked soup some more. But at least, our estate will have identity and character and will be one of the prettiest of all. Now a certain Landscape Architect and I are hoping that we will get to push through her idea of those Japanese manhole covers.

HANDLED BATCHES OF INTERNS

I have had a few interns pass through me over the years. This year was a bumper year as I had 3! I had 2 NTU interns for 10 weeks and a Ngee Ann Poly intern for 12 weeks. Looking after them grew me as I learned how to take care of different kinds of people. I hope I have equipped them with the foundation to better themselves. They have said that I was a good mentor. The bunch of NTU interns made sketches of how I looked like. I am amused at their impressions.

THE CRAZY PERIOD

March to August was a crazy period. YX quit in March, just before Esther went on maternity leave. So the workload had to be redistributed. I had already volunteered to bear part of Esther’s portfolio during her maternity leave because S was already stretched. However, it was unexpected that I had to take on more. We discussed internally and it was best that both R and I took on Yx’s portfolio as a pair to capitalise on our existing work partnership and avoid loading onto S. During that time, my work load tripled. My exercise time became rare. I OT-ed a lot. I occasionally was grumpy and exasperated, but most of the time I had no emotion. I had already accepted this lifestyle as a fact and stopped feeling pathetic and complainy about it. I had “reached another level”. I also was so focused on work, I lost appetite. I didn’t feel hungry and didn’t know or want to decide what to eat. Maybe I was hoping that some yummy food would appear in front of me without requiring any effort from me to decide the food, walk out and queue (i.e. wait wait wait).

In June/July and in Oct, two new fresh grads Henry & Diaz joined the team. Finally our manpower woes were resolved. It doesn’t matter as much that we were still the most inexperienced team (I am the most senior). Finally, my buddy could prepare to be transferred to PPS. In the beginning, I felt betrayed that my buddy wanted to be transferred out (and thus leave me alone to row the boat). However, after hearing his explanation, I did see value and then got more accustomed to his imminent departure. I agreed that it was the best for him that he gains the experience in PPS.

But then, tragedy struck again. Another colleague threw letter. I knew JY was stressed and she did tell me she was, but it did not come across as strong as S. So I was also taken by surprise when she threw letter. Boss came to me to ask for advice. Boss leh. Well, no one knows what to do, and boss knows that I look out for the welfare of the team. In the end, after boss discussed with big boss, my work scope remain unaffected, but Diaz and R were. R and I returned to our status quo and poor Diaz was so stunned. It WAS a big bomb dropped on him. He was thrown into the deep end of the pool. And I also feel bad for R that his PPS plans were derailed.

MY IDENTITY AS AN ENGINEER

After evaluating an RVO wrongly, my identity as an engineer was so badly shaken. I had failed to evaluate the engineering reasoning behind the RVO. I had considered “engineering” as a key descriptor of my identity, differentiating myself from the rest of the degree holders. Now, I do not dare call myself one anymore. My work uses a slight amount of CVE knowledge only – most of the time I do generic “managerial” work. Like the kind the job any kind of degree holder can get. I felt so ashamed, and to date I still do not feel confident here. This is a key reason why I agree that Ricky should go for PPS. I hope myself I will get some engineering design and construction supervision training, but I doubt I will get any chance with this job scope. I view taking care of Bidadari more important than quitting this job to get engineering training elsewhere.

RELIGION

In 2015 I grew more secure in my faith. My Christian belief is core to my being. I am not religious in the sense I must carry out the rituals daily without fail, but I am religious in that I am a deep thinker and the Christian values and world view are the lens to my thoughts and thus actions. If you have been following me through the years, you would remember how insecure I was. I was also often emo and felt inferior. There were many sorrowful nights. Through the encouragement of Christian friends (shout out to Wilson and Elianna especially), I got better.

I still am reminded of the incident a couple of years ago where the back pain was healed after a prayer. It was real, not imagined. This comes back to mind every time I examine if Christianity is real or a figment. It is real.

A turning point this year was at my first mission trip, where I talked to a Cambodian pastor. Christianity is an extreme minority in the Buddhist country. I asked him why he became a pastor. It could have been so much easier and richer to be something else, or even a Christian in the first place. He told me that a series of events confirmed the inkling in him and guided him to where he is today. First, he didn’t know if his application to Bible School would be accepted, but it was. Secondly, his rice farmer parents consented him to go to Bible School (they are Buddhist) and went one step further by sponsoring his family rice. His pay as a pastor would not be enough to feed his family but with the sponsorship, he is able to feed his family sufficiently. This encouraged me in a way I cannot say properly. I think, it is the real life example that God opens the right doors to guide us to our fates because He cares. God will open the right doors for me too and guide me along to my destiny, as he has already begun.

I had prepared a testimony just in case I needed to share it at the Phnom Penh mission trip, but I wasn’t chosen to share (which is ok either way). Lo and behold, while planning my Japan trip I had the idea to contact my church’s missionary in Japan. He then invited me to make a 20 min presentation at his international relations class. The topic was “How is Singapore safe and secure domestically, regionally and globally” and then personal safety and security in the Christian perspective. Not only was I sharing a testimony, I was giving a GP speech. Cheem. I had to examine the question and come up with an answer just like how I was taught to write essays in school. And you know, I am weak in humanities: struggling with GP and economics at A levels and failed Combined History and Social Studies at O levels.

I had grown enough confidence and assuredness in my own faith that I was able to present to the 4 high school students (yes, 4 only) plus 3 teachers, a masters in theology student my age and MY MUM. This, I guess, is a hallmark for me.

Things will get only better from here. I hope that I will grow deeper in Christ and become more confident and secure in myself. I also hope that I would be a useful tool to God’s mission on earth.

Our missionary to Japan thinks that I have a calling to missions. He told mum told me, but he didn’t tell me. We shall see. I have an international outlook and the desire to help others. I think that being born in another country another class another family should be no reason to deny the word of God reaching them. Let them hear about Christianity for themselves and let them decide if they want to follow. Even beyond all these, there are many people in this world suffering and they need a helping hand e.g. loneliness, stress, access to safe housing, sanitation, unsustainable ways of earning income.

HEALTH

In January I went for the FESS operation. I know that this particular ENT operation is called “FESS” but I have no idea what FESS is. I think FESS is the sinus cavities being operated on. I recovered well. Thank goodness all that pus is out of me. The sinus irrigation (using sinugator) is really effective in expulsing accumulated mucus, which allows me to breathe so much better. No more blocked noses or dripping noses at the breakfast table.

In October/November, I was bleeding for over a month from my anus. If it was just torn skin, it should have healed within a week. However, as my sister’s case of piles took about a month to heal, I thought it was ok. Besides blood I had lots of flatulence and consistent pain on the left side of my colon when I pooped. I also pooped more often than usual; the poop was dark colour almost black. So I got a referral to the specialist I saw last time for IBS. A colonoscopy showed that I had ulcerative colitis. Fortunately, the blood test was good. I was given permission to travel just DAYS before my departure, even up to the night itself before the flight. Terrible.

Now I am on long term medication and resumed my high consumption of probiotics. The metrodinazole was not fun at all – it made me feel less-than-there (like I was half asleep, half ghostly) and it had a metallic taste at the back of my tongue. But after that was over in 1-2 week, I returned to normal. The sulfasalazine has helped so much to improve my state and I can say I am as good as normal now. Fortunately, I am allowed to take a small amount of alcohol with my medication (whee). In Japan, I didn’t drink any alcohol at all and minimized eating raw fish.

FITNESS

I am ok, health-wise, but I could be better. I have not been able to consistently attend fencing mostly due to work reasons. I think that if I could start work punctually, I could be able to make it to fencing more regularly instead of finishing work too late to go fencing.

There was a period of time when I did arm and abs exercises consistently to prepare for a fencing competition and to prepare for dragon boat competition. After that, I slacked off again. I still have weak arms and weak core muscles, and a weak drive to keep up the habit. Hope I can improve on this.

TRAVEL

These are the travels and holidays I did this year:

BORACAY

in March for Todd’s wedding. Todd is mum’s subordinate in the office and mum’s subordinates love Mummy very much. Mum is even good friends with Todd’s parents. (I can’t imagine my parents being good friends with my bosses. Eeps.) I ate food I normally would not eat such as: raw red onions & mangoes (it was a salad dish with fragrant hae bee), sour food (siligang soup). I saw corruption first hand. I also saw how rundown the homes and village/town in general were. The people were living in houses that were not well built, with bare wires, corrugated iron. There was much clutter and dusty corners. It is not a clean healthy environment and the houses are also probably not structurally strong. Mum explained to me that that was how Singapore was when she was growing up. We’ve come a long way for the better.

PHNOM PENH & TAKEO

in April for my first mission trip. It was a medical mission with the church. Medicine helps the physical body; Christ and prayer helps the spirit. I saw both the city in Phnom Penh and the countryside in Takeo, the rich and poor divide. Children with brown hair due to poor nutrition. People who have smartphones and Facebook accounts. People who just think of getting by, and yet also people who have ambitions. In a country where most people know of only one god (Buddha), there are a group of people who love God and their fellow countrymen and want to help them build up their lives, the community spirit and ignite in them the joy and hope that comes from knowing God.

YAM RETREAT IN JULY AT BATAM.

It was a big step out of the comfort zone for me. I hadn’t fit into the Young Adults community in our church, and here I was going to the YAM retreat on my own after MT was not fit to go. It was an ice-breaker for me. I am more comfortable now.

STAYCATION

in August at Marriot Hotel using MT’s voucher. Haze…

KL CITY WEEKEND ESCAPE

with my CVE Kakis in October. I am glad we made the trip. We had much fun. And maximized on the exchange rate RM3=SGD1.

Lastly, JAPAN AUTUMN in Nov-Dec with Mummy. A good long break for both mum and I. Besides holidaying seeing the many sights, we also visited our church missionary there.

FAMILY

MT graduated from SMU. Just before the graduation ceremony, she fell so ill she had to be hospitalized. She was not able to be discharged before the graduation ceremony but special arrangements were made for her to leave the hospital for the graduation ceremony. She was a fall precaution. She went on stage with a giant boxing glove of a bandage wrap on her left hand (which was covering her IV port). After the ceremony she had to return to the hospital soon as she was getting tired and needed to resume her glucose drip. She also took graduation photos with Lucky and the family. Ma Ma did not want to take another graduation photo until KM has graduated, so it was only mum, dad and the children.

Keat Mun got a place to study product design at UniSA (finally). Mum moved with him to Australia to take care of him as she cannot trust him to look after himself (product of having spoilt him too much). At home, things are quieter but the fridge is more spacious without the excess mum usually buys. Things are also more systematically run.

Mama’s health is stable but she requires a lot of care. She is sensitive to so many things. Lately in December, she had a flu and the medicine was changed. This triggered her dementia and she became so confused. She was also imagining things, such as talking to her dead uncle (that spooked out Novi who was accompanying her overnight at the hospital). It took at least 2 weeks after healing for her mental state to stabilize. She needs a lot of care as she is a fall hazard, gets diahorrea on almost anything and has swallowing difficulties at times.

I have better friendship with Mei Poh after having common topics to talk about, which are the Korean things she sees on Youtube, and the games she plays. There is less animosity. I am not bothered by the fact she still blocks me on facebook, Instagram and every form of social media.

SG50

I was really excited over SG50. I am patriotic as you would know.

Sadly, on 29 March 2015, Mr Lee Kuan Yew passed away. The whole nation came to a standstill. People reflected on how much Mr Lee Kuan Yew cared for Singapore and the efforts he and his compatriots did to build up Singapore from third world to first. Sure, not everything he did was correct, but some of the unpopular policies were necessary to ensure that this country would not go down the way so many other countries have. People also admired his values and his razor-sharp thinking. Selflessness, meritocracy, corruption-free, greenery, healthy living. I was astounded that so many foreigners wanted to come to pay respects to a man they had not that much contact with. Filipinos working for less than 5 years in Singapore, Malaysians who bought air tickets to fly in. The queue to see his body lying in state was 10 hours plus long! This was even though people could only see the side of his coffin and not his face. There were also many other stations across the island where people could sign condolence books and lay flowers. I signed one at my office. There was much reflection, and finally Singaporeans learned to be patriotic. On the day of the funeral, so many people lined the streets where the coffin cortege would drive by. People held their ground and stood there in the heavy rain. That was compelling. Even my Malaysians-who-lived-in-Singapore friends did so. It stung me because I was in Boracay enjoying myself. I could not join the people along the streets.

THE 28TH SOUTHEAST ASIAN GAMES

The 28th SEA Games was one of the SG50 events and I am proud to have been part of it. I volunteered for the 28th Southeast Asian Games. I managed to be involved in fencing, but in a unique way. I was a Digital Content Producer. I had never done reportage before. Our role is best described as internal media of the SEA Games and our photos and text articles would be on the SEA Games website. I covered 1 day of Netball and all 4 full days of Fencing. It was exhausting but fun. I used my fencing knowledge to write bite-sized educational posts, knowing that most of the readers would not be familiar with the niche sport. I also helped my fellow volunteers and Leads (the people we directly reported to) by explaining to them what was going on. Surprise surprise, I met a fellow fencer amongst the volunteers who was going into NUS and KEVII. We have become good friends.

I also met another person of the same surname as me. He produced that timelapse video of the hall being converted from fencing to volleyball which TODAY newspaper picked up and received over 10,000 views on youtube and facebook. Way to go!

Although my duration of service was short, I was one of the 2 who was chosen by the Leads to be a Star Volunteer. Awwww. (The other recipient has the same surname as me.) I was touched by their thoughts. Thank you. :: I like the volunteer shirt very much because the dry-fit material was light and soft and the colour was rich.

TOOK PART IN FLASH MOB

My little sister came across this MP3 Experiment to be conducted at the Botanic Gardens to commemorate SG50 and SBG’s declaration as a UNESCO World Heritage Site. Both twin and I decided to go along with her. I thought taking part in a flash mob would be cool but never got asked to take part in one. Also, the flash mobs were getting lamer as marketing stunts and the thing fizzled out. We downloaded an MP3 file. Precisely at 2.00pm, those who had gathered would have to start playing the track and follow the silly instructions. It was a whole lot of fun doing silly stuff with other like-minded crazy people. And lo and behold, a friend I made at the Phnom Penh trip was one of the organisers. This flash mob was different because it aimed to bring people together to do something fun, like community-building. SBG is dear to many Singaporeans and we are happy that it was gazette as a UNESCO World Heritage Site.

Sing50 Concert

There was the SING50 CONCERT held at the National Stadium which I was interested to attend because it had an eclectic range of local musicians over a wide range of genres such as: classical piano, jazz, ethnic-influenced Indian pop and Malay Rock, mando-pop, rap through the ages. I did not act on it as the interest wasn’t burning strong, the tickets weren’t cheap, and I would not find someone to go with me. But lo and behold Eli had free tickets from her mum. When Shelby and I reached Eli’s home we then realized that ours were not ordinary seats but VIP seats one row behind the President and other VVIPs. Yikes so underdressed and over-exposed. Anyway the music was fantastic and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Eli and her father wanted to rush off before the concert ended as they wanted to avoid the jam; I mean, the climax song had not been reached. I think they have received too many free tickets that it is no longer special meaning to stay till the end.

NDP

was the climax of SG50. I swelled with pride for the nation. Finally people were singing the national anthem with gusto. It is special that when the song “Home” plays, everyone in the seating gallery and many more at home sang along. The national KTV song. Because of LKY’s passing, people finally learned to be patriotic. At LKY’s seat, a pot of orchids of the hybrid named after him was placed as a memory gesture. I liked that. There was barely a dry eye when the film clip of LKY was played.

VOTED IN THE GENERAL ELECTIONS

Soon after NDP, the date of the elections was announced, putting end to much speculation. A lot of people were guessing that it would be soon after NDP to ride on the wave of high emotions. Others like me thought it would be in 2016 as 2015 would be too busy. More on it here http://peace-is-found-in-god.blogspot.sg/2015/09/ge2015-my-first-general-elections.html.

Sports

Fencing

Despite all my funny reasons, I managed to keep my national rank as top 20 in women’s epee. Well, the ranking is such that the best 1 of 2 local competitions decides the rank, and both local competitions had less than 20+ competitors, such that as long as I qualified into DE, I would be assured of a top 16+ position. The ranking is also decided by best 2 of 3 overseas competitions, but since I do not take part in any overseas competition, I am safely out of the top 8+ and within top 20. My goal is to keep it there, as I do not think I am able to commit to national team, nor I am good enough to compete at those difficult competitions overseas without feeling that I have wasted the effort to go there.

Somehow, after a short break from fencing, when I return to fencing I perform better because my mind is cleared out. I am better able to think tactically and less likely to hard-nose keep trying the same move that isn’t working. Of course, my performance limited by my lack of physical strength – length gets me only so far.

DRAGON BOAT

I had wanted to try dragon boat after I found out my company has this as part of its staff activity sports competitions. However I had put it off the previous two years because 1st year I wanted to lay low and 2nd year it was too close to fencing nat trials. This year the dragon boat competition was unusually late, so the timing was right. Boss was encouraging as he himself competes in dragon boat every year. I finally got round to doing it and had fun. I like physical activity and I have a competitive spirit. I also got to know some of my colleagues better. I was also retaught teamwork – to slow down and help your team mate up, so that the whole boat can move forward as effectively as possible. If the stronger paddler paddles too fast, the weaker paddler cannot catch up to the rhythm. There would be too much water disturbance that energy is being wasted. If the pace is right, the weaker paddler can focus on keeping to the beat and the stronger paddler can alternatively dig deep, that everyone’s energy is being channeled to making the boat glide as fast as possible. If the timing is right next year, I would take part again.

OTHER HIGHLIGHTS

3 of my cousins got married: Bryan, Brandon and Suet Fern. Coincidentally, they are all born in the same year. Mama is indeed elated that they have settled down while she is still alive.

Cathay closed down :( My family favourite restaurant had manpower issues. If I had known, I would have had my birthday dinner there instead. It was so unexpected and unannounced.

2016 ASPIRATIONS

Same as every year since I started work: Be PUNCTUAL. Sleep early and wake up early.

Be a better pet parent.

Be deeper rooted and stronger in God, be more unafraid to obey. To continue to serve in whatever way I can.

To give love and be loved in return. I realized that this year I will be turning 27, closer to the big THREE-ZERO and I still have never dated. My body clock is ticking! I won’t be desperate, but I do want to be in love and be with the life-partner. Mama also said this, “I want to live till I can see you (the daughters of her first son) get married. I don’t think I am going to live longer, so hurry up!”

To be fitter. I plan to exercise more regularly and train fencing more regularly. I will gift myself a healthier stronger body. For a start, I will do the 30-day journey to splits from Blogilates, attend every fencing session as far possible, do blogilates beginners calendar on the off days.

Do more sketching. Art therapy.

Reconnect with old friends. I miss some of my dear friends like YS.

Deepen friendships. More meaning to life and better time spent.