Dear Diary,

Today's Bible reading was apt. Anxiety had begun to well up in me, and the bible reading triggered a much needed prayer. Yesterday's sharing by our missionary of his reliance on faith in God also helped.

I accepted an invitation to attend my company's award night dinner. The dress code was lounge suit. I had nothing appropriate to wear other than my trouser suit. I thought of being glam, and thus resurrected the suggestion to wear a dress. Wearing a dress is not usual for me, and I can say I am not in my skin when I wear one.

But I wanted to be pretty. I wanted someone to find me pretty. I sensed that my motives were getting not right. Lately also, not good thoughts have been coming back.

Today's bible reading was Psalms 13. The devotional thereafter encouraged the reader to continue to pray and have faith that God will answer one's prayer, because God's timing is perfect. Also, one can renew one's strength to continue by remembering God's past blessings.

I prayed a short and direct prayer to God. I thanked him for his many blessings, that though I am not blessed with romantic love, I am blessed so much more in other areas of life like family, health, great friends, no direct enemies, a job I like, good food, material comfort, ability to still fence. I am very happy with my state of things. I admitted to God that my fear of being unloved was getting to me and that bad thoughts were returning. I prayed for God to pour out his blessings on me that I can pass them on to others. I prayed for God to remind me so clearly that I am greatly loved by him and that I have an important part to play in his great plan on earth. I prayed that if he wills, to bless me with romantic love, but that I would be fine without it too. I have faith because he has blessed me in the past, he has answered my prayers in the past, he WILL answer my prayers at the perfect time, and he NEVER FAILS. That is just who God is.

I feel relieved and liberated. I have no more desire to wear a dress or shop for one. I will wear for myself and not for others. I can hold my head up high and walk forth another day. I can sleep well tonight.