As you can expect, this will be a long post. If you are in a TLDR mood, please read the first and last sections. God bless your 2015.
2014 Overarching Character Growth & Themes
On my way out of the darkest night:
“If "how to be a good person" were a course, I would be far from graduating. In fact, rather than being ready at 21, I started learning how to be a proper adult only after entering the workforce, because only since then am I being put in situations exposing my unknown true colours. As a child I had a sheltered simple life, far from the complexities, vagaries and vagueness I face today .”
2014 what I did by own initiation
Climbed Mount Fuji 富士山を登りました。 - it was so difficult and I wanted to just sit there and give up so many times. Eveline's patience and encouragement spurred Richard and I on to completion (new friend Richard!). I may probably not climb another mountain again but I am proud to have done this once in my life. Bucket list.
Fundamentals of Engineering Exam - I signed up for the exam on impulse. It has no bearing on my career since I do not intend to become a Professional Engineer. Nonetheless it was the last chance to take the exam in British Standard since my batch was taught half BS and half Eurocode. Nights and weekends were spent going through lecture notes I have not studied in at least a year. I was elated and relieved when I saw on the letter that I passed. I guess I tikum-ed the right answers to the many questions I could not answer in part 1 MCQ. Even if I failed the paper, I am glad I studied for it and took it as it refreshed me in the basics of Civil & Structural Engineering which half my job is grounded upon.
Visited gbtb at night spontaneously. I felt so calm, open, free and at ease at the simple wonderment at the stars. I saw up there that my great big God was watching over little me. <3
Wrote letter to ST forum - I was disturbed by a letter to ST forum w.r.t. Starbucks hiring autistic people as its cafe staff. That person considered Autistic people as machines incapable of human interaction, when autistic people are PEOPLE who also have emotions and desire for social interaction. Furthermore, autistic people must have the chance to learn and practise social skills needed for surviving in a community when their guardians are gone. I set out my point straight in a letter to ST Forum, which was published, so that fellow Singaporeans will not have misconceptions about autistic people.
Beatles Coursera - I just completed it on Christmas Day. I am a Beatles fan and I was happy to learn more about the progression of the Beatles' music career and on a broader scale how to analyse songwriting & developments in the music industry. The questions were MCQ with 3 attempts and they even feedback which was answered wrongly. It was hard to fail and I got more than 90%. Wheeeeee.
Bought endowment plan - last & this year a number of insurance agent friends came looking for me. I have my auntie as my main insurance agent already tyvm, and since my portfolio has already been built up, I am not going to dismantle it. It is nice though that my friends have been patient and understanding of me and supported me, even though my auntie might have been from a different agency. My cousin joined his mother and took over his cousins' portfolios, so we are pretty much covered for the rest of our lives. I bought an endowment plan from him as a way to start saving for retirement, or at least unlock the cash 24 years down the road when I need it e.g. Children's uni fees, house renovation, medical bills. This was what happened to my mum: when she needed the money, her old policy just nice matured. Hallelujah.
Significant Events
Work devt - things have gotten better after getting into the groove of things. I also established a good working style with my buddy. But there are still curve balls being thrown (we are in project management working in real life - it is never purely predictable). It is also my first full-fledged WIP so I have still much to learn.
Letter of award - finally in May, after waiting almost 2.5 years, my project could move from design to WIP. I can finally see things manifest. I am blessed to have a good site team. I gave them 100plus as a Christmas present.
Boss changed - less than a month's notice, probably 2 weeks only, it was announced that my first boss would be rotated away, taking away all the experience he had built up on my project. Our very experienced Principal Engineer got promoted up to become my boss (his promotion was overdue). It was a radical change in style. While my previous boss is still seated where he is on my floor, I can't catch him easily to ask him about things from his old portfolio which I took over when I joined. Our new boss is a ra-ra person and he likes to organise makan sessions to "bond" the section. We now for the first time are seated at the D&D as a section instead of splitting by cliques (which generally goes by age group and seat location). It is a different social world, but it is still good.
Club subcomm chair - I learned to my horror in March that I was chosen to be the chairman of our staff club's bao-ka-liao (social/recreational/welfare) committee. I never held a leadership position before. I felt daunted by the challenges: to call the shots, get around the red-tape-headache, and work with different characters (biggest challenge for socially inept me). I was thrown into the deep end of the pool. I have grown much in the process, and have many people to thank for. I am thankful for the enthusiasm that my subcomm members and the festive lunch teams showed. They made each event successful. I am also thankful for the patience given to me as a noob leader, and for the friendships I have gained along the way. I also am thankful to my subcomm co-chairman and BIG Club chair and co-chair (coincidentally my former and current bosses) for their guidance and listening to my trains of thought.
築地市場 Tsukiji Market and sushi bucket list. Tokyo explore. - I never thought I would be able to witness the famous tuna auction which I heard about as a young girl. We got in by the skin of our teeth as the last two admitted. It was exciting to see the noisy singing auctioneers and the silent bidding. They gesutred #likeaboss. The Tsukijimobile drivers also drove around with a devil-may-care #likeaboss attitude, zipping everywhere including on the public roads. We queued 1.5h at 大和寿司 Daiwa-zushi. With seafood freshly-caught and bought that morning at the market it is located in, you can't beat that freshness. I went to sushi heaven. 幸せ。It was also the first time I really got down to exploring Tokyo city outside Disneyland. I also met up with Jasper who was working there. I hadn't seen him in a long time.
Fencing Ranking improved - the fencing calendar ended in August and I had my best ranking ever at National Fencing Championships (overall 13) and total national ranking 26, just one shy of my target of 25 (I think). I am really happy with my results. In October, I took part in the only Nat Trials of the new calendar (due to SEA Games), and was in top 20 because only 19 took part. I am just happy to see progress in myself. I know I would never be able to achieve National Team standard because my days left in fencing is numbered. I am not as fit or as young and squishy as the others in fencing - they have more time and opportunities than I do. The time will come when work commitments would be too heavy, I would have less energy, I would need to take care of my elderly family. I want to enjoy whatever remaining time I have.
Joy came - I hadn't seen her in so long and she had not returned to Singapore since returning to Hong Kong at 9 years old. We had a really fun time going out and catching up. Her brother and cousins came too and they are such wonderful friends. I look forward to the next time we meet - with the selfie stick, of course.
Family visit to gbtb for roses & tulips - we brought mama in wheelchair to see the roses, which were pretty, they were not as big as the ones in Europe, but they are big by Singaporean standards. She & the rest of the family enjoyed it very much, which made me happy. Daddy and I also went to see tulips, which I enjoyed too. We love gardens and flowers.
Engineer as a business leader - I went to this evening seminar at NUS because CVE invited the alumni back. I broadcast it and several other classmates also attended. The seminar and the dinner conversations with a PE MD of a large firm, Prof Chew and junior students altogether gave me this takeaway - I should take more pride in my career as an engineer, even if the pay is "undervalued".
Kept falling ill - every two months or so I would come down with flu and high fever. I had enough of it in November and went to the ENT in early Dec. The CT scan showed that the "lump" in my sinus has grown. Mucus and pus has accumulated there which needs surgery. NO WONDER THE FLU KEPT RECURRING. I just saw the doctor and he also advised to shave off some tissue from the fleshy part on the outer sides of the nose canals and from the deviated septum, so as to open up the passage for better breathing. I have already booked the surgery date. I feel "bo pian" resigned now and don't feel fear. I just do not bother thinking about the surgery, or else I will be overcome by anxiety and fear. Although I am a fencer, I am afraid of needles and surgery because the latter involves piercing INTO my body.
Warded for food poisoning - that wasn't fun. I had my first IV drip. Mum lent me her new iPad, which I am using to type now. I have yet to return it to her. My family, friends and close family friends like Mum's good friends who saw me grow up came to visit me. I felt paiseh that I could not do much to entertain them, and that it was an unglam situation to meet them. But I am thankful that they cared for me.
5k foam run - first and last ever long distance running in a long time. It was organised by my fencing senior, coincidentally. It was more of a walk because of queues at parts, and just exhaustion on my part. Nonetheless it was fun. I took part with twinnie and played with my gopro. We had trained separately before that and it was the first time in a long time I was so committed to exercising based on OTOT (unlike fencing which is scheduled). Twins had a good time playing MegaZip, eating at hard rock cafe and going SEA Aquarium after the event.
Adelaide & Kangaroo Island - in March I went solo to Australia for a holiday, but I was with family friends who were always so nice and accommodated me. I got to eat yummy food, play with a quokka I fell in love with (so cute!!!), and explore the beautiful scenery (unspoiled beaches with rock formations) and wildlife (full of seals and sea lions) on Kangaroo Island with dear friend Pippi who drove. I would love to go back to Adelaide to help out on the cherry farm, explore more of Kangaroo Island, and visit the wombat sanctuary which I missed out during this trip.
The most difficult fencing match to referee ever. - I was refereeing at SMU AVFC 2014. This particular match a fencer injured her knee and suddenly fell down and could not get up. Her friends swarmed her and started panicking. I did not know what to do other than to call first aid. DT guided me along. I started the clock for 10 minutes. Unfortunately after the 10 minutes she did not recover. The match would still have to go on, to the injured's team's dissatisfaction. I saw one of the team members give me such a scowl though the decision and eventual loss was no fault of mine. I do not dare to talk to this particular team now whenever I cross paths for fear they would lash out at me. I hope the injured girl is healing up well. That fencing match was very difficult to referee given the tension. I know there were things I could have done better. I need to build up my confidence and authority, as well as technical knowledge, to be a better referee.
"Performance Management" course - I was assigned to attend this course, though I have no one under my charge. Although it was irrelevant to me in my current state, I found the information useful because it showed me how to temper my speech to have better discussions. More importantly, this line from a video the instructor played changed my perspective - "most people are rational and generally want to do a good job". I no longer saw working partners in other agencies as "enemies". I didn't want to be fierce with them anymore. Instead, I rather call them up and talk with them nicely so as to have them on the same side, to have a cooperative relationship for each other's benefit, and also that they would be more wiling to help me out and give me the official approvals my project direly needs.
2014 what I felt
I often felt I was inferior to others because I compared myself to others, and the saying goes that "I am my worst judge". This inferiority complex has been going on for many years, and was exacerbated by trying to rationalise why I still had no pursuers. "I am too tall, I am ugly, I am not sexy, I am too weird." Such thoughts kept crossing my mind and brought me to low points again and again which triggered those blogposts and fb statuses of myself trying to "fight" against such thoughts.
What turned me around was 4th July's devotional reading of the 40 Days of Prayer for Singapore.
That was life-changing and that night I cried as I prayed to God. I was on my journey to regaining intrinsic self-confidence. It is so clear to me now that my value depends only on what God says and nothing else. The temptations return often, but it is getting easier to terminate them."I will resist the temptation to compare myself to others." What? It was a temptation? I have to resist? I never thought about my thoughts that way before. "I repent the envy and jealousy towards those who outshine me." Yes, I realised that I am jealous of those who are more favoured or have better opportunities than I. "I reject the thoughts and emotions of inferiority and superiority." What a declaration! I am guilty of both, and I must and will step up to boldly reject these thoughts. "I will be secure of who I am in Christ." I never realised I needed to make a commitment to anchor my identity; I never thought that commitment would be involved.
Another life-changing read was shared to me by my dear friend Wilson. http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/single-satisfied-and-sent-mission-for-the-not-yet-married I realised that having a boyfriend will not solve my self-worth problems, and that as a single I can live life to the fullest because there is nothing to hold me back. I have the time and energy (and some money too) to pour out to God for His service. If I ever went on a mission trip and something bad happened to me, I would not be leaving behind a broken heart nor children without a mother. With this, I now feel empowered instead of sorry for myself.
Originally I was sulky inside each time I had to eat lunch on my own. I felt socially-deficient. However, my perspective turned around. I began to enjoy my time alone in the office as part of my daily "me time". I could get lost in deep thought. I found serendipity.
Pure joy, love and acceptance. Due to those lonelier days in the office, I realised when I came home for dinner how much my grandparents, family and maids loved me. I also realised the friendships I had with some at fencing, and that my section-mates were caring too. My office friends realised I had been eating alone for a while and began asking me regularly if I wanted to join them to lunch. My eyes have been opened to the blessings around me. Agape and phileo is a gift, not a privilege or something to be earned. With a purer perspective comes contentment and gratitude.
Thus, over the year I have learned a lot and gradually accepting myself and my circumstances. I am becoming content and thus happier. Joy is returning.
So many weddings! And two award dinners! I hate trying to work out what to wear, trying to balance out the feminine norm with my usual style. The clash can frustrate me, as I again fight with "the others'" expectations. I never had to attend so many formal dinners before. After wedding dinners, the thought that crosses my mind (besides feeling happy for the couple) is if it would ever come to be my turn. It often leads to a quiet pondering night.
Love Life?
Eh... I have no love life, but this topic has been the source of my IBS. I am fully aware that I am heterosexual. I am no longer a child.
There was someone whom I liked but it was unrequited. Our characters and hobbies are not compatible. In my imagination I hoped he would like back. But imagination wasn't reality and I felt sorry for myself for not being "good enough". I tried to let go but the whole bag of thoughts kept returning.
But then one day it suddenly clicked. I realised that it does not matter at all whether anyone liked me or not. Life goes on as per normal and I will still proceed in my hippie funky cool sense. We two will still be friends status quo. Yes, while I hope to someday be somebody's, having a relationship is no longer worth bothering about. Thus I was finally able to let go.
Family Concerns
Mama's health isn't so good. When she eats more and is lucid, it is a good day. She learned that abdominal pain isn't just diahorrea but also could mean she was hungry! She is eating more often now, though small quantities. Pray that her health strengthens and that she will enjoy her days.
Yeye's footsteps are shakier than before and his skin tears easily, but otherwise he is strong. He is still lifting 5kg dumbbells on each hand! Praise God. Pray that his skin and legs strengthen and he will continue to be in good health. Praise God.
Daddy is still busy, if not more busy. Because his gall bladder is removed, he goes diahorrea whenever he has too much oil or chilli. He lives life dangerously. He hardly goes on an aeroplane but if he does, we will force him to take aspirin to thin his blood. Otherwise mum will jab him to prevent DVT. Daddy really likes watching singing contests. "His/Her performance was very good!"
Mummy is forever too busy and is spending lots of money and more on my brother trying to make him go through university. I hope she can get a much needed break and God to watch her health because so many things are dependent on her. I also am guilty of not talking respectfully to her.
Twin is not going to church - I am not even sure if she believes in God. She also is hypocritical and hates me half the time. I have fought with her when she is insolent toward me. I only hope that God protects her as she works in the media industry and God eventually to save her before it is too late.
Ting takes easily to the world's standards like a magpie to shiny objects. I pray for God's protection over her. I also pray that because she will be starting work soon.
My brother is such a headache. His obesity, laziness, hedonism and naivety is terrible. He still needs mum to protect him. He is going to start uni in Feb and Mum will follow him and be a study mama. I hope he will focus and make his time worthwhile, that eventually he will be able to earn a salary and take care of himself.
Lucky is really old now and his arthritis isn't good. Glucosamine doesn't seem to help much but painkiller does. He badly needs to lose weight but he keeps getting fed extra meat and he doesn't want to walk far due to his joint pains. Otherwise he is always cute and happy. Except what happened on New Year's Day 2015. This will be for another entry.
Kitty-chan's peeing and pooing in the wrong places has reduced. She is also quite friendly to us whom she is comfortable with. Our groomer is able to handle her well, so now she has tidy cut so pretty.
Personal Concerns
I have become more selfish. I have seen the ugly human side of me. I will pray and have faith, because God has the power to change me and will change me. I have been washed clean by His blood, and therefore bondage to corrupted human nature has ended.
I am going to go for operation in Jan, which will put me off intense exercise (i.e. Fencing) for a month. :( for an active person. I have never gone under general anaesthesia before.
I am still offending people unintentionally because of my bad word choice and "fierce" delivery. Each time I found out I offended someone I would feel terribly remorseful, like I have committed a great sin. My heart would ache and I may not want to see the offended person's face again. Sounds extreme but I observed this.
I thank God for
Wonderful colleague-friends at the office who have been patient with me and accommodated me at lunch time, though my Chinese is bad and my humour is off-tangent. They have been nice to ask me out to lunch to make sure I do not eat alone. Though I am not part of the clique, I sense socially things are getting better and I am happy where I am. Thank you.
Good colleagues within my department. Good members in BIG Club including Social Subcomm. They make working life pleasant.
Good working relationship with my project's working level members from other groups including external agencies. We will make our project a success!
Old friends good friends who I managed to meet, and those who I have not. Some specific ones:
Dearest SAJC classmates Bi-monthly cafe hop Eli & Squeaks Kat Tang For the constant pure love from maids and family.
Wilson, for being the listening ear each time I crashed.
God's faithfulness, protection and providence, without which I would not have made it out of 2014 in one good piece.
“I thank God for everything in 2014: for the bad things because I learned; for the good things because they brought joy and relief. I thank God for loving me in spite of my nastiness, for sending what I needed in the nick of time, for sending "guardian angels" people to watch over me, and for the real guardian angels that have protected me from far worse scrapes. To God be the glory!”
Ultimate Vision
Ultimate Mission
2015 Game Plan
“2014 has been a year of learning and maturing. It wasn't a FANTASTIC year, but my heart has been opened to realise the many blessings gifted to me. I hope that in 2015, I will build on what I learned in 2014 such that 2015 will be a better year, hopefully a year of joy.”
“Going to Watch-night service reminds us that Jesus is the Alpha and Omega; Beginning and the End. All blessings and destiny comes from God. 饮水思源。Thank You God and To God be the Glory!”
